My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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