I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
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Let's paint friendship bongs
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
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Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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