Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
