So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
