my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
