You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
