At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
