Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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