I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
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These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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