All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
These tits shall not be calmed
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
