the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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