Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
