So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I came so hard my ears popped.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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