meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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