I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
