god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
