Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
