Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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