My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
