Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
