All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
