Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
