there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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