Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
3 2 1 whiskey
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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