I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
