there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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