well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
