I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
