i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
