Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
