Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.