I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Its about making memories worth repressing
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
