is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
