I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
