When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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