yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is it penis luge time yet?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
