i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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