so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm at about main and main street
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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