"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
