tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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