Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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