Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
