you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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