if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
