dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
