When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
