She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So apparently I’m into choking now
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