I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
