I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize