i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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