Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
