dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
