I think I won the penis lottery.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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