his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
