Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
