when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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