Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
