you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
