He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
